When an adult child asks for money, it's hard to say no. You want to respond to a need. But perhaps your child perceives that you don't need all you have, or that they're simply requesting some of their inheritance, just a bit early.
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Before you answer, ask for time to think it over. You want to make a decision based on wisdom, not emotion. You also need time to discuss this with your spouse, if you have one.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Can you afford to give? Check with your financial planner to see what you can realistically provide without jeopardizing your own security. Recognize that your likely biggest expenses in aging are yet to come: Home care or assisted living, neither of which is covered by Medicare. Perhaps some home remodeling, if you plan to age in place. You also may live longer than you planned. Unforeseen events, such as inflation or a down market, could have unfortunate consequences for your portfolio. You may not be so flush after all.
• What is your motivation for giving? Beyond an understandable desire to help, do you feel guilty? Would you feel like a bad or unloving parent if you said no? Are you embarrassed to admit you don't have "extra?" Dig deep for your inner thoughts about what you will "get" or avoid if you give. It's important to evaluate the wisdom of your deeper motivation.
• Is this a pattern? Does this child routinely have money problems? Giving them another infusion of cash may be enabling their poor planning rather than truly helping. Of course, you don't want to lecture them on spending habits. At the same time, as with any funder, you have a right to require a picture of some solvency. Consider requiring that they work with a credit counselor as part of the arrangement.
• Is this a gift or a loan? Loans between family members can be fraught with emotional baggage. Financial professionals say you need to treat the loan objectively, signing paperwork with an agreed-upon repayment schedule. But enforcing repayment can jeopardize the relationship. That's why many suggest you be prepared for it to become a gift, or just frame it as a gift from the outset. But do this only if you can truly afford to not be paid back. (Also check with your attorney. Gifts to family may compromise your eligibility for VA benefits or Medicaid in the future.)
• An advance against inheritance. Even if you can afford to make it a gift, your other children may resent it. Talk to your attorney about an "advance against inheritance" arrangement so it is well documented that these funds are to come out of that child's share of the inheritance down the line.
  
  

Concerned about money and your relationship with your kids?
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You probably already have some "smart" features in your home.

For instance, a thermostat you can program for a higher temp during the day and lower at night. Perhaps it has remote capabilities, so you can make changes from afar.

Or sensors, such as garden sprinklers that shut off when it's raining, or outdoor lights with motion detectors.

The most-recommended safety features for older adults include the following:

• Automated indoor lighting to reduce the chance of falls. Many a fall occurs while walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Consider motion-activated nightlights set to turn on when you swing your feet down from the bed.
• Voice-activated assistants. Similarly, a digital assistant allows you to change lighting or close the blinds simply by calling out to "Alexa" or "Siri."
• The video doorbell. This smart device tops AARP's list for safety. Home invasions are on the rise, and just the presence of a camera will dissuade many a n'er-do-well, including "porch pirates" who steal packages left at your door. The ability to remotely check who is at the door is MUCH safer than getting up to look through a peephole. When linked to your phone, you can see, and even talk to, the person outside while remaining where you are. Features to consider:
  • Battery-operated or wired? Batteries must be recharged or replaced two to three times a year. Wired video doorbells can piggyback off the electrical wiring already powering your doorbell.
  • Two-way audio to talk to the person at the door.
  • Video storage: Where and how long? Some models overwrite the video every few days. Others allow you to store recordings in the cloud for longer, but this requires a monthly subscription.
  • Compatibility with your other smart devices. This enables centralized control.
  • Speed. How long does it take to get an alert or access the video?
  • Artificial intelligence to reduce false alerts. With this, some video doorbells can discern the movement of a person from that of an animal, car, or tree branch.
  • Do you want to monitor the alerts 24/7? If you prefer to have someone else on night duty—and false alerts—it usually requires a monthly fee.
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Wondering how to wisely age in place?
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Cohousing is like a retirement community in that it is a group of residents in individual, private domiciles. Plus, there are shared facilities for group activities. What's different is that retirement communities are created and run by a developer.

Cohousing communities are created by the people who will live in the buildings. All members hold an equal investment—personal and financial—in the process of creating and running the community. Decision making is shared and is usually by consensus.

Cohousing is the most ambitious of the housing alternatives for older adults. Cohousing is legally operated as a condominium with a homeowner's association. But the intention is to provide much more of a group experience. A community typically begins when a few founding partners assemble like-minded people with a vision. The group buys a piece of property and remodels or builds from the ground up. The layout specifically supports social interaction. A central common space is designed to host periodic group meetings and meals. Living units are small. Parking is on the periphery. Gardening is communal. From architecture to landscaping to decision making, the group determines everything. Residents also participate in maintaining the community once it's built and everyone has moved in.

Communities can be as large as forty households or as small as two or three. And they don't have to be built from scratch. Some groups purchase a large, old house and remodel. Others buy an apartment complex or a mobile home park and add the communal elements. Many communities are "all ages," but some organize specifically for those age fifty-five and older.

Caring for members as they age is challenging. As residents age and lose physical or mental abilities, they may not be able to maintain their participatory role. Over-fifty-five communities, especially, need policies that address who will care for ailing residents and who will take up the slack in terms of their communal duties. The balance between older and younger members requires careful monitoring.

Cohousing is not for everyone. It's certainly not for those with dementia or health challenges going in. And it helps to be a relatively young older adult, since it takes an average of three to seven years to assemble a community. Cohousing also tends to be expensive. But if you are an innovator, like your privacy yet are attracted to communal living and group decision making, it can be an excellent way to offset the isolation of aging in place. Learn more about existing communities or how to start one, at the Cohousing Association of the United States.
 
Interested in alternative living arrangements?
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October 15–December 7 is Medicare's annual "open enrollment" period. This is when you can switch plans. Are you getting a lot of mail about the cost savings of Medicare Advantage (MA)? The initial outlay may seem less than your current plan. And if you have "original Medicare," plus a supplemental plan for the 20% Medicare doesn't cover, and prescription coverage, bundling it all together is tempting.

Contrasting the options. There is no doubt that having facilities (Medicare Part A) and providers (Part B) and prescriptions (Part D) all through the same company offers simplicity. In theory, one payment covers everything. There's no need to shop for supplemental insurance or track whether the insurer paid its part of a bill. But it's not an apples with apples comparison. MA plans have some serious drawbacks:

• Limited selection of providers. You can only see providers listed in the plan. If you want to go to a research hospital for cutting-edge cancer treatment, that would not be covered.
• Providers change. An MA plan may drop your doctor or hospital at any time.
• Limited geographically. Do you travel? Have a second home outside the area? Clarify the coverage if you are away from your home base.
• Higher overall fees. While the monthly premium may be eye-catchingly lower, the devil is in the details. Check out the deductible, the copayment per visit, and the coverage for your particular set of prescriptions. Also look at annual caps. For instance, MA plans do not have an annual cap on out-of-pocket expenses for medications. These nonpremium expenses can really add up and result in net higher cost.
• Extras you do not need. It's become common for MA plans to add components such as dental, hearing or vision care, or a gym membership program. Be sure these are services you really want and will use.

No looking back. If you leave a supplemental program paired with original Medicare, there may be no way to return. The plan may no longer be offered. Or you may fall within a "preexisting condition" category that allows the plan to refuse you or significantly raise rates.

If you are considering a change, even from one MA plan to another, be sure to compare apples with apples by running through some hypotheticals. What would your out-of-pocket expenses be if you were hospitalized? Or in skilled nursing? Are your favorite doctors and hospitals in the network? What if you were traveling and got sick or injured? What are the likely costs by the end of the year for the medication you currently take?

Need Medicare advice? Let us point you in the right direction.
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If you are like 68% of grandparents, you live too far away for regular interactions with your grandchildren. No reading bedtime stories or soothing little tears. No ticklefests or hands-on projects. These casual yet meaningful activities just aren't an option.
Video visiting helps. But according to Kerry Byrne of The Long-Distance Grandparent, you can count on only about a minute of video engagement for every year of your grandchild's age.

Here are some tips for building an online relationship:

• Coordinate with the parents. Can you make life easier for them? Try reading stories over Zoom while the kids eat breakfast and the parents pack lunches.
• Plan for topics or activities. Find out from the parents what's of interest lately. Are dinosaurs a hit these days? Send dino stickers. Roar together and pretend to be T Rex.
• Be SILLY. Don't be afraid to make funny faces or do the unexpected. Remember, if you were with them in person, you'd likely be more of your playful self. Express that online: Three jumping jacks and run around the chair when they guess the correct answer in a riddle.
• Enhance your visits with props. Send them something in the mail that they can do with you the next time you video call. A tambourine. Heart-shaped Valentine's glasses. Or popcorn you can "share." (Who can catch the most popcorns with their mouth?)
• Use photos and video. Send photos of you doing silly things. Make a video of a children's activity song, like the hokey-pokey. Ask your grandchildren to sing and dance with you. Put it on YouTube so the parents can play it whenever they need a break.

See how this "gran" used Zoom and simple props to record the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" on YouTube. Now her two-year-old granddaughter frequently asks to watch "Gran videos." With this repeated exposure, Gran is a known figure and immediately recognized during FaceTime chats, even though they have met in person only three times in her granddaughter's short life. Relax and have fun. You don’t have to be polished. (This isn’t PBS!) And if you still feel self-conscious, set the videos so they are only visible by those you send the link to.

Interactive apps that might be of interest. The "Longevity Explorers," a grassroots group of tech-savvy seniors, recommends these apps for their high interactivity. The parents will need to download a version too in order for these to work.

• Readeo. (ages 2–5) With the BookChat feature, a video of each of you appears side by side above an e-book. You can read, point to images on the page, and you or your grandchild can "turn" the page.
• Caribu. (ages 4–12) This app has a library of e-books, plus puzzles and games, mazes, and sharable "paint and draw" activities.
• Playingcards.io. (age 8+) A virtual shared "tabletop" allows you to play games such as Hearts, Go Fish, and Crazy 8s. Or rummy and canasta for older kids. There are board games too, such as checkers and chess, backgammon, and cribbage.
  

Do you live far from your family?
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A vast majority of older adults (77%) say they want to remain in their own homes as they age. Of course! Home is comfortable: We know where everything is—in the house, and also in the neighborhood and town. Friends, doctors, grocery store. We know how to get around quickly and easily. Plus, the emotional benefits of memories, identity, and history are baked into the walls of a home.

But for many, the concept of staying put is based on how things are now and doesn't factor in the changes that are bound to come: The need for help with shopping and meal preparation, housekeeping and repairs, yardwork, and transportation. And in the very last chapters of life, assistance with personal care such as bathing, dressing, and continence issues.
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There is also the possibility of dementia (33% for persons 85 and older), which may prompt a need for help earlier than imagined. And with that, the fact of care providers coming in and out of the house.

If you plan on aging in place, it may be necessary to

• remodel your home. Very few houses are built to meet the needs of an older adult. You may need better lighting, or a bathroom downstairs. Plus, the house will continue to age and have maintenance issues.
• arrange for transportation. Most of us outlive our ability to drive by seven to ten years. Is your current home conveniently located in terms of public transportation, ride sharing, or other options? If not, you may find yourself more homebound than you want to be.
• budget for assistance. Maybe you plan to rely on your kids or friends when the time comes that you need help. Despite good intentions, they may not be available. And if you are partnered, what happens if your spouse passes before you do? How will you accomplish the things they used to handle? Paying for help gets expensive quickly, and more so as we face increasing shortages of professional caregivers.
• recognize change is inevitable. Many of the reasons you want to stay where you are, are out of your control. Friends will die or move to be closer to their kids. Doctors will retire. Stores will close. In that context, does staying put hold the same appeal?
  
  

And none of this addresses the key disadvantage of aging in place: Isolation and its companions, depression and anxiety. Twenty percent of older adults speak with three or fewer people over the course of a week. Technology and video chatting can help. But again, you must be proactive to avoid the very real hazards of loneliness.

Would you like help planning to age in place well?
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Especially for older adults living alone, the ability to summon help in the event of an emergency—such as a fall—is a very real concern. With a cell phone in your purse or pocket, it's easy to feel well set. Think again. The bathroom is where most falls occur. Do you take your cell phone in when you are using the toilet? Or taking a shower? And what if you hit your head and are unconscious? With a brain bleed, minutes count!

But who wants to wear one of those telltale pendants? Fortunately, with the advent of smartwatches, there are stylish options that do not carry such stigma.

Look for a smartwatch with some or all of these features.

• Fall detection. Think of it as vertical GPS. The watch is programmed to detect an unnatural descent to the ground.
• Simple one-button emergency alert. In a situation such as this, you don't want to have to flip through screens to get to the call function.
• Voice activation. Like Siri or Alexa, no buttons are required to call for help.
• Sophistication of the response. This is probably the most important factor. An automatic call to 911 can be daunting and feel inappropriate. Some smartwatches can be programmed to call a friend or relative. If they don't answer, then 911. Most useful is a call to a 24/7 professional service where a trained responder can talk with you about whatever is going on and make decisions with you. This doesn't have to be fall related. Perhaps your car died and you're stranded somewhere. Although superior, a more nuanced human response does come with a monthly fee.
• Battery life. You don't want to fall and realize your battery is dead. Most batteries last for at least 18 hours. The more extra functions in the watch, the shorter the battery life.
• Waterproof or water resistant. Ideally, wearable in the shower.
• Large readout. You may not have your glasses on. Or you may have arthritis or other issues that make fine motor movements difficult (aka, "fat finger syndrome").
• Tech features that match your needs. From steps per day to reading your heart rate, hours of sleep, texting, and even video chatting, there are a plethora of extras available. And, these watches also tell the time!
• Aesthetics. While smartwatches are less cumbersome than traditional pendants, many women feel they are still bulky. The fewer the features, the trimmer the watch. Bottom line is, will you wear it consistently? If not, save yourself the expense.
  
  

Looking to age independently with dignity and style? We understand!
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Three out of five (61%) of adults over 60 feel they have more stuff than they need. And yet many of us find it emotionally painful to cull our belongings.
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While the physical labor of "right-sizing" is daunting, perhaps more powerful—and surprising—is the emotional challenge. For instance, you may feel that letting go of grandmother's wedding dress is like putting her in the trash. Or that if you discard your high school debate trophy, it's like that part of you has died. Or that giving away the fabric you bought to make a quilt "one day" is like abandoning your inner artist. It's human nature to imbue belongings with meaning, and it's those heartstrings that give us pause.

Some tips to help you let go

Recognize that some belongings need "safe passage." You want to find a place or person who will cherish and appreciate them. This will take time. But if you are persistent and start well before a deadline—six months or more before a move, for instance—you have a greater chance of placing them in good homes.

Build momentum. If you cull strategically and make it a routine, it gets easier over time. Start with large items, maybe a mattress or golf clubs you no longer use. Large items are an easy first win. Next, turn to items currently gathering dust in the basement, attic, or storage. These are often a quick release. Turn to the clothes closet after that. The comfort of your existing clothes may help you let go of those garments you no longer wear. Files are the next. They take time to go through. Consider bulk shredding rather than doing it yourself. (The IRS says you do not need to keep records any longer than three years.) Photos, old letters, and journals are the last. If you don't recognize the people, it may be time to let them go. As for that letter from your high school sweetheart, maybe save it in a box labeled "throw away." Some things are too precious to let go of during your lifetime, but perhaps too private for others to find.

Keep your eye on the prize. If you are downsizing to move, keep in mind the goals and life you imagine with your new digs. Who is the new you? It's easier to let go of the you-from-the-past if you focus on your future self. If you are decluttering on principle, remember that people who have completed the project say they feel so much lighter. It's an accomplishment that leaves them feeling freer to explore new vistas.

Hire a professional to help early on. Especially if you are on a deadline. A person trained in late-life moving can help you honor your feelings and streamline the process.

Looking for help? Give us a call 203-826-9206.

Do you find yourself more easily distracted these days? There is good reason: Concentration is about keeping what's useful top of mind while at the same time suppressing thoughts that distract from your primary objective. As we age, the "executive" center of the brain becomes less able to sort out distractions. It's a filtering process that requires heavy brainpower. Many people worry that lapses in concentration are an early sign of Alzheimer's. Not necessarily. While memory and focus are related, they are not the same thing.

If you are concerned about increasing distractibility

• Make sleep a priority. Lack of sleep is strongly linked to poor concentration. The brain sorts through the day's input when we sleep and decides what to keep and what to toss. Sleep makes room for processing input. Sleep is also when the brain eliminates toxic byproducts of the day's work. Optimal is seven to eight hours of sleep per night.
• Increase oxygen to the brain. Take care of conditions that tend to limit good oxygen supply. High blood pressure, for instance; also, sleep apnea and excess weight. (In addition to contributing to sleep apnea, obesity seems to reduce one's ability to resist distractions.) Aerobic exercise is a great way to get oxygen to the brain.
• Avoid or limit situations that are hard on the brain. Chronic stress, anxiety, and depression all challenge the brain and reduce resources available for concentration. Actively tame the stressors in your life and seek treatment for depression and anxiety. Explore alternatives to medications that fog thinking. Get glasses and wear hearing aids if you have impairments. This frees the brain to focus on concentration rather than on deciphering blurry images or garbled words. Alcohol also impairs thinking and sleep.
• Reduce unnecessary distractions. Treat painful conditions. (Pain is a distraction that's very difficult to ignore.) Turn off alerts on your smartphone. Bury the myth of multitasking. Do just one thing at a time. And for very important situations such as driving, turn off the radio or ask your passenger to stop conversing until traffic complexity has subsided.
• Practice focusing attention. This isn't about beating yourself up to try harder (that doesn't work). Instead, you can use beginning mindfulness strategies. Set aside ten to twenty minutes in a day to just focus on your breathing. When you notice your mind has wandered, no recriminations. Just gently return to focusing on your breath. By learning to monitor your thoughts, you improve your ability to notice when your mind is off task and shorten the time you "spend away."

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Are you worried about concentration and focus?
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Are you tired of long waits to get an appointment? Rushed visits? Not being able to talk to your doctor by phone or communicate via email?
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You aren't alone. Doctors dislike it too. But because most physicians today are employees of a large medical group, they are required to complete 30­–40 patient visits per day. Appointments are set to last no more than 15 minutes. This is necessary to manage a typical patient load of 4,000.

Some primary care doctors are moving away from this business-focused model of medicine.

"Retainer-based," "concierge," or "boutique" medicine prioritizes the doctor–patient relationship. For an annual membership fee (average $1,500 – $2,400) you can join a primary care practice that is dedicated to staying small and intimate (≈150–600 patients). Your annual fee allows the doctor to guarantee

• same-day or next-day appointments
• longer appointments (30 minutes on average)
• phone and email communication, with personal follow-up for lab results

You pay the membership fee out of pocket. It is not covered by Medicare. You must also maintain an original Medicare policy and likely a supplemental policy since the concierge doctor will bill Medicare for office visits. As with traditional medicine, you also still have to pay your insurance premiums, deductibles, and copayments (unless your supplemental plan covers them).

What to look for in a concierge physician

• Is the doctor certified by the American Board of Internal Medicine? (Extra "plus" if also certified as a geriatrician.) Affiliated with a major hospital?
• Do they "accept assignment" from Medicare? If they do, then they cannot charge you more than Medicare allows for a specific service without giving you an "Advance Beneficiary Notice of Noncoverage." If they don't accept assignment, that means they are willing to bill Medicare, but you may owe a balance of up to 15% above what Medicare is willing to pay. (Your supplemental plan will not pay the extra, either.)

So far, there are only 12,000 concierge physicians nationwide, but the number is growing quickly!

Interested in finding a concierge doctor?
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